walking through the wardrobe…



Even though I am not ready for this winter just quite yet….  It was such a beautiful wonderous world that awaited when I woke on Monday….  Truly a magical sight to behold and I was so happy to get to enjoy it.

Feeling a bit nostalgic for Narnia….


it’s only natural….


It’s impossible not to think about death doing what I’m doing. When I hear I’m going about my day and seeing the names and ages and interests of those patients that pass through on their journeys in this life, I think about them. And when I read stories like this, I hope for that in my life.

To connect with others that the bond is so strong. These stories are beautiful. To share your life with those that connect your soul to this world, this life. How many can say they’ve experienced this? It doesn’t have to be in a romantic partner, it can be with a lifelong friend or a grandparent that sees into your soul when they speak to you.

How rare is it? Can you have it more than once?

Life, lemons, and loss…

I really don’t know how all this transpired. When I started volunteering at the hospice just a few short months ago, there were three people there that were there to be in charge of the volunteers. I don’t know if many people know this but 5% of patient care hours have to be done by volunteers. It’s mandated. And the hospital that I’m volunteering at is fairly large. The larger a company/business/etc is … I feel the more disconnect there is between those that are higher up and those that are lower on the totem pole. The issue with this is the corporate/business mind looks at the bottom line, whereas hospice looks at the people.

These are people who are facing their last goodbyes, last breaths, last dreams, last chances to breathe life in and savour all those moments that are in it.

Three people were in charge of us all when I started. One left to go somewhere else, but they never replaced her. So then two people were doing the work of three. There are over 100 volunteers and not only that all the patients that the volunteers help. The coordinators are the bridge between those two worlds. It was already being felt… the loss of one person.

And then just this last week over a hundred people were let go. And another one out of our hospice. So now the work of three people is down to only one. And she realized that with her health the way that it is (she is a transplant recipient of 20 years), there was no way she could continue. And with that she gave her 30 day notice.

And now, I am in this really confusing place. What was supposed to be an amazing opportunity has somehow turned into a place of sadness and people feeling very lost as to what is going to happen. Most of the volunteers don’t know about her leaving. She only told me because she was hoping I could be hired in the interim until they find a replacement for her. But it seems unlikely that will happen considering I lack experience and also with the downsizing.

I’m doing my best to fill in the gaps and to soak up as much experience as I can. It’s really unfortunate that all this happened. And I’m not quite sure what journey I will be going on next. But I will just continue on because I am sure that I am supposed to be there and that I may not see it now, but all of it will work itself out for the good.

I’m saddened for the volunteers who believe in the cause of this whole program and who will undoubtedly be affected by all of this. I’m saddened for the patients who have come to rely upon this program and what it does for their lives as well as the lives of their families and loved ones.

I’m not sure people really understand what the heart of hospice means unless they’ve experienced it themselves. Why does empathy only seem to come these days from those who have gone through something similar? Isn’t the idea of empathy that regardless if you’ve faced the same trial or not, you’re able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes or at the very least recognize the feelings of others?

We shouldn’t have to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes in order to see one another’s humanity. We are all broken, hurt, messed up people. We have all experienced some sort of pain or loss or love or something that makes us human.

I’m not sure how to finish this except to say, here’s to HOPE…..

Eyes open in spite of closed mind…

I don’t know what else to title this.  I just feel that every day is a day to have my eyes opened.  To be made more aware of myself and the world around me.  To be able to learn in every situation rather than burying my head in  the sand. 
Even in the most negative situations I want to try and learn something about who I am and my place in this world.  We too often don’t realize how our life, our words,  or our actions affect the lives of others. 
I know I am guilty of this.  I know my heart and what it feels inside but there are times where I’m in  the middle of an argument or a debate wondering how it even got to this point.  And I just want it to be over and the other person is still going so there is that feeling that it must continue. 
If at the end of the day I can’t see myself clearly and learn from these situations,  I feel it is such a waste.  Two people arguing,  where emotions are laid bare in front of each other.  There is a feeling of rawness that opens up and one or both are left licking their wounds looking over their shoulder at their attacker.  Sometimes it so hard to see it from the other’s point of view.  We only see our pains and how we were victims. 
We can lose friendships,  trust,  break long time bonds in the matter of minutes.

How do you “stop”  an argument or debate before it goes to a place from which neither can recover? 
What relationships were lost or broken in your life because of a disagreement? Are some relationships (familial, romantic, friend)  worth losing or ending because of these differences of opinion?