the diagnosis…

Was diagnosed with arthritis yesterday … young for it, was what the doctors said… No cure… only pain management… the brain started reacting in the best way it knew how by deafening the words and a gentle ringing in my ears. What does this mean? 

I can’t run anymore … the thing that I overcame…. this hurdle in my life and now the thing I miss … I can’t do it. 

Well f*** it… I just have to go from here.  That’s all I can do. 

My dad was diagnosed early and almost the same situation. Getting off a plane…excruciating pain … thought he had broken his knee.  I got tested last year when it initially happened. Came back negative…. took a year later for me to finally have an MRI.  Then the doctor saw me this week … it’s all happening within a month and a half. Doctors appts.. surgeries… mri.. piercings .. can’t forget those.. side shave that I always wanted… counseling… I  will not give up or give in. Maybe somehow I can conquer this or do something with it. But it still sucks… all I can do is laugh, cry, swear,  shake my head and breathe on. 

Advertisements

self-care?

So apparently during this time, I’m supposed to be doing self-care. I’m hoping the MRI on my knees Friday and the surgery I’m waiting for right now for the lump I’ve had near my lymph nodes count. I have never had surgery except my wisdom teeth, and hospitals already bring back trauma because of my dad. So both of these things are making this time extra anxiety ridden.  I have no idea what to expect, only what I’ve seen with my family. I’m hoping I do ok. That this is something needed.  And it constitutes as self-care.  I just want to go home and sleep. No big words of wisdom for today.  Just wanting to document all of this for posterity.  Speaking of posteriors, it’s a colon rectal surgeon who is doing my surgery 😂. 

list life…

My counselor put me on short term disability as of Monday.  I just can’t function any more at work … at least not in a healthy way. I can’t heal because I’m still in it. Also, taking care of a couple other health issues…

So in this down time, I need to do self – care. My friend suggested I make a list of things I want to accomplish. Which thinking about it is something I do. Haha

So here it is…  follow up with nurse practioner about knees, check, finish up my ear piercings,  check (considering I never had any until last year, this is a huge deal… I now have 5) the main lobe piercings are poppies . They are what I was drawn to, and of course they were poppies which is what I called my dad.  Research masters programs and funding and schools,  sky dive, glass blowing class or pottery class, drive somewhere and stay overnight,  possibly Canada or grand canyon ,  read some of the gmat book, I might list more, but I think this is good for now 🙂 

List on …