where does a month go…

I looked at my last post date and it was a month ago. How does a month go by so quickly? What work have I really gotten done? I had another month added on to my leave and yet I’m still here in this emotional wonderland. 

Why wonderland? If you look at Alice in Wonderland, she is in a crazy mixed up world. A world that doesn’t quite make sense. A world in which she needs to discover herself, and how to “escape” or “get back home.”  It’s a place full of twists and turns and confusion.  She’s not sure who she can trust or what she should do. She tries everything. Follows someone who seems to know their way.  Listens to someone who seems wise. Tries to make friends and adapt. 

It just came into my mind that this time has been that for me. These past three years have been a time of growth and change, adapting to a new environment, confusion,  wondering where I am, who I am and what my purpose is. I feel like I will always have times in my life where I’m questioning these things.  Next really is to figure out what I need to do get to my next path. 

As the caterpillar asked, “who are you?”

Side note: started preparing for next trip.  🙂

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the diagnosis…

Was diagnosed with arthritis yesterday … young for it, was what the doctors said… No cure… only pain management… the brain started reacting in the best way it knew how by deafening the words and a gentle ringing in my ears. What does this mean? 

I can’t run anymore … the thing that I overcame…. this hurdle in my life and now the thing I miss … I can’t do it. 

Well f*** it… I just have to go from here.  That’s all I can do. 

My dad was diagnosed early and almost the same situation. Getting off a plane…excruciating pain … thought he had broken his knee.  I got tested last year when it initially happened. Came back negative…. took a year later for me to finally have an MRI.  Then the doctor saw me this week … it’s all happening within a month and a half. Doctors appts.. surgeries… mri.. piercings .. can’t forget those.. side shave that I always wanted… counseling… I  will not give up or give in. Maybe somehow I can conquer this or do something with it. But it still sucks… all I can do is laugh, cry, swear,  shake my head and breathe on.