all clear and movie date alone…

Got my clear from the counselor and went to employee health to get my flu shot and give them my paperwork. They asked a few questions such as do I think I’m ready to return. I said yes, but I don’t know until I try. 

Other news, I went to a movie alone. 

Pitch Perfect 3…. ordered a popcorn and a drink and enjoyed a movie alone. I’ve never done it before but will definitely again. It may not seem like a big deal to anyone, but it’s a big deal to me and I’m glad I did it before returning to work. It was something on my check list of things to do. 

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where does a month go…

I looked at my last post date and it was a month ago. How does a month go by so quickly? What work have I really gotten done? I had another month added on to my leave and yet I’m still here in this emotional wonderland. 

Why wonderland? If you look at Alice in Wonderland, she is in a crazy mixed up world. A world that doesn’t quite make sense. A world in which she needs to discover herself, and how to “escape” or “get back home.”  It’s a place full of twists and turns and confusion.  She’s not sure who she can trust or what she should do. She tries everything. Follows someone who seems to know their way.  Listens to someone who seems wise. Tries to make friends and adapt. 

It just came into my mind that this time has been that for me. These past three years have been a time of growth and change, adapting to a new environment, confusion,  wondering where I am, who I am and what my purpose is. I feel like I will always have times in my life where I’m questioning these things.  Next really is to figure out what I need to do get to my next path. 

As the caterpillar asked, “who are you?”

Side note: started preparing for next trip.  🙂

fearless…

What does it mean when someone is fearless? Without fear. That doesn’t take courage, because that exists only when there is fear and we face it anyway. It takes moral and mental strength to be courageous.

Fearlessness is audacious. Although they almost use fearless and courageous synonymously, they really aren’t the same. 

One is by definition facing fear and doing it anyway and the other is to have a lack of fear. Which one requires more conviction? Which one would you admire in someone? 

It would be amazing to have no fear but would it really require much mental thought and growth? Would there be a wisdom that comes with it? Would there be a certain arrogance and immaturity that goes along with fearlessness? 

Just something I have been thinking about. Trying to move and move on in life. Figuring out the next steps. Facing fear and continuing on in spite of or because of it. Each day is a gift; and to waste it being afraid or in regret or in anger “sucks” as my friend said to me today lol. 

I may not be fearless, but I can see fear and face it. I will learn and grow and flourish. I will hope for the best in all situations and accept the worst. I will not let it keep me from realizing my dreams. Life is for living fully!

year…

It’s coming up on one year since my dad passed away. Even if I don’t want to think about him being gone, it looms  around me. I can’t describe it, it’s as if your body knows.  It grieves with or without your permission. You may play, laugh,  enjoy food and times with friends and family. But this unsaid thing wraps itself around you.

I miss my dad so much it hurts to breathe sometimes.  I really haven’t grieved his loss much because I’ve been trying to push through everything.  Working in hospice is difficult enough, but everything else that has gone on there has made it even more tiring.

I look at others who have lost a parent,  had children , worked full time in hospice and still completed their masters.  I’m amazed how they were able to do it. I’m impressed by them.

I’m still trying to figure out my next steps. It’s taking everything to focus on this one class I’m taking. I keep thinking about my dad and how he kept taking classes. He kept his engineering license. It was important to him. Even if it was hard to walk into  class. He wouldn’t take his cane with him, probably because of pride. I hope he would be proud of me. He was a wonderful man, my best friend, a great example.  I miss you dad.

nurturing my inner child…. working title….

I know I need to write something about what’s going on with my dad…  If nothing else so it’s documented for myself later.  But it’s just a roller coaster of unknowns.  Why at the time of a new job and new horizons,  does this thing happen which almost puts me back to where I was 8 years ago?  I feel like I have to selfishly fight to hold onto whatever I have gained over this past year. 
I don’t want to hash everything out on here…  I’m hoping just by writing this,  I’ll recall it when I’m looking back over things. 

Life is what we make of it.  Good or bad…   shalom…..  In all things… 

Recap of week…

Tuesday interview…  Two in one day.  Wednesday reviews of references,  talks to HR.  HR issues…  Job description and pay different than originally thought…  Thursday calls with supervisors and HR…  HR called again and offer made.  Still confused…  Friday come into office to talk to supervisor,  without person who is leaving present…  Feeling a  lot better about job and the responsibilities….  Accepted offer…  Monday will go in for all physical etc and all that fun new work thing..  Then Tuesday I officially start my new chapter of my new career.
Wow….  Did  not think in 8 months when I started this I would be running 4 5k’s,  have a life changing epiphany of what I wanted to do career wise… And before the year even ends,  I already have a job in that field.
Mysterious ways….  Mysterious ways…

(Disclaimer: This post might seemed disjointed and short and not very involved in its description but this week has been crazy and I just wanted to document how fast and strange it’s been before I forget. )

blog, blog, blog…

I should be documenting like this so I don’t forget what’s been happening.
Well with all the lay offs and people leaving,  there are two positions that have opened up.  At first they were going to be two coordinator jobs which would entail more responsibility and I don’t feel confident in my experience enough yet to feel that I could do it to the best of my ability.  But that all changed.  My supervisor made mention to me again about a position and if I was sure that I wasn’t interested.  During this whole time I had been reconsidering and thought well if she brought it up again,  I would talk with her about it all.
Originally I just wanted a part time job so I could go back to school and still volunteer.  But opportunity knocks in interesting ways.  So here I am a week later officially applying for a job.  It’s been an interesting turn of events.  I had met someone who works in HR  who had been helping me update my resume during all this time.  The timing was perfect.  So over the holiday,  where I  should have just been relaxing,  I had this weighing on me. 
I will write more later because now I need to go and get tested and fingerprinted so that I can see patients….  which freaks me out because of how emotionally invested I get and all that has happened in the past.  But life is a challenge that I’ve got to accept and with each new one I’m trying to open up my heart and mind and just welcome them.  I can learn and grow and maybe just maybe find in myself something I didn’t realize I had.