breathing in a kiss…

You ever kiss someone and just take a deep breath and sigh? It’s as though all the weight of the world has been lifted through that kiss. The rest of the relationship is hard. Why can’t we focus on those deep breath kisses and truly enjoy them?

Why do we make our lives and relationships so difficult? Love should be our soft place to land, our respite from the every day hum drum life. But too often, we cause that place to be added stress. We over complicate it by making sure we protect ourselves rather than just giving it freely.

There’s a balance somewhere between being a doormat and being a closed door with love. We need to be the threshold that allows those we love to cross through easily. Not walked on but open.

I have yet to figure out this subtle balance. How to love, be in love and receive love. Is there a book with that title? If so, I need to read it.

One step at a time through heartbreak. Learning about myself as I go. Remembering that kiss that breathed new life into me.

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all clear and movie date alone…

Got my clear from the counselor and went to employee health to get my flu shot and give them my paperwork. They asked a few questions such as do I think I’m ready to return. I said yes, but I don’t know until I try. 

Other news, I went to a movie alone. 

Pitch Perfect 3…. ordered a popcorn and a drink and enjoyed a movie alone. I’ve never done it before but will definitely again. It may not seem like a big deal to anyone, but it’s a big deal to me and I’m glad I did it before returning to work. It was something on my check list of things to do. 

where does a month go…

I looked at my last post date and it was a month ago. How does a month go by so quickly? What work have I really gotten done? I had another month added on to my leave and yet I’m still here in this emotional wonderland. 

Why wonderland? If you look at Alice in Wonderland, she is in a crazy mixed up world. A world that doesn’t quite make sense. A world in which she needs to discover herself, and how to “escape” or “get back home.”  It’s a place full of twists and turns and confusion.  She’s not sure who she can trust or what she should do. She tries everything. Follows someone who seems to know their way.  Listens to someone who seems wise. Tries to make friends and adapt. 

It just came into my mind that this time has been that for me. These past three years have been a time of growth and change, adapting to a new environment, confusion,  wondering where I am, who I am and what my purpose is. I feel like I will always have times in my life where I’m questioning these things.  Next really is to figure out what I need to do get to my next path. 

As the caterpillar asked, “who are you?”

Side note: started preparing for next trip.  🙂

the diagnosis…

Was diagnosed with arthritis yesterday … young for it, was what the doctors said… No cure… only pain management… the brain started reacting in the best way it knew how by deafening the words and a gentle ringing in my ears. What does this mean? 

I can’t run anymore … the thing that I overcame…. this hurdle in my life and now the thing I miss … I can’t do it. 

Well f*** it… I just have to go from here.  That’s all I can do. 

My dad was diagnosed early and almost the same situation. Getting off a plane…excruciating pain … thought he had broken his knee.  I got tested last year when it initially happened. Came back negative…. took a year later for me to finally have an MRI.  Then the doctor saw me this week … it’s all happening within a month and a half. Doctors appts.. surgeries… mri.. piercings .. can’t forget those.. side shave that I always wanted… counseling… I  will not give up or give in. Maybe somehow I can conquer this or do something with it. But it still sucks… all I can do is laugh, cry, swear,  shake my head and breathe on. 

self-care?

So apparently during this time, I’m supposed to be doing self-care. I’m hoping the MRI on my knees Friday and the surgery I’m waiting for right now for the lump I’ve had near my lymph nodes count. I have never had surgery except my wisdom teeth, and hospitals already bring back trauma because of my dad. So both of these things are making this time extra anxiety ridden.  I have no idea what to expect, only what I’ve seen with my family. I’m hoping I do ok. That this is something needed.  And it constitutes as self-care.  I just want to go home and sleep. No big words of wisdom for today.  Just wanting to document all of this for posterity.  Speaking of posteriors, it’s a colon rectal surgeon who is doing my surgery 😂. 

list life…

My counselor put me on short term disability as of Monday.  I just can’t function any more at work … at least not in a healthy way. I can’t heal because I’m still in it. Also, taking care of a couple other health issues…

So in this down time, I need to do self – care. My friend suggested I make a list of things I want to accomplish. Which thinking about it is something I do. Haha

So here it is…  follow up with nurse practioner about knees, check, finish up my ear piercings,  check (considering I never had any until last year, this is a huge deal… I now have 5) the main lobe piercings are poppies . They are what I was drawn to, and of course they were poppies which is what I called my dad.  Research masters programs and funding and schools,  sky dive, glass blowing class or pottery class, drive somewhere and stay overnight,  possibly Canada or grand canyon ,  read some of the gmat book, I might list more, but I think this is good for now 🙂 

List on … 

fearless…

What does it mean when someone is fearless? Without fear. That doesn’t take courage, because that exists only when there is fear and we face it anyway. It takes moral and mental strength to be courageous.

Fearlessness is audacious. Although they almost use fearless and courageous synonymously, they really aren’t the same. 

One is by definition facing fear and doing it anyway and the other is to have a lack of fear. Which one requires more conviction? Which one would you admire in someone? 

It would be amazing to have no fear but would it really require much mental thought and growth? Would there be a wisdom that comes with it? Would there be a certain arrogance and immaturity that goes along with fearlessness? 

Just something I have been thinking about. Trying to move and move on in life. Figuring out the next steps. Facing fear and continuing on in spite of or because of it. Each day is a gift; and to waste it being afraid or in regret or in anger “sucks” as my friend said to me today lol. 

I may not be fearless, but I can see fear and face it. I will learn and grow and flourish. I will hope for the best in all situations and accept the worst. I will not let it keep me from realizing my dreams. Life is for living fully!

year…

It’s coming up on one year since my dad passed away. Even if I don’t want to think about him being gone, it looms  around me. I can’t describe it, it’s as if your body knows.  It grieves with or without your permission. You may play, laugh,  enjoy food and times with friends and family. But this unsaid thing wraps itself around you.

I miss my dad so much it hurts to breathe sometimes.  I really haven’t grieved his loss much because I’ve been trying to push through everything.  Working in hospice is difficult enough, but everything else that has gone on there has made it even more tiring.

I look at others who have lost a parent,  had children , worked full time in hospice and still completed their masters.  I’m amazed how they were able to do it. I’m impressed by them.

I’m still trying to figure out my next steps. It’s taking everything to focus on this one class I’m taking. I keep thinking about my dad and how he kept taking classes. He kept his engineering license. It was important to him. Even if it was hard to walk into  class. He wouldn’t take his cane with him, probably because of pride. I hope he would be proud of me. He was a wonderful man, my best friend, a great example.  I miss you dad.