What does it mean when someone is fearless? Without fear. That doesn’t take courage, because that exists only when there is fear and we face it anyway. It takes moral and mental strength to be courageous.

Fearlessness is audacious. Although they almost use fearless and courageous synonymously, they really aren’t the same. 

One is by definition facing fear and doing it anyway and the other is to have a lack of fear. Which one requires more conviction? Which one would you admire in someone? 

It would be amazing to have no fear but would it really require much mental thought and growth? Would there be a wisdom that comes with it? Would there be a certain arrogance and immaturity that goes along with fearlessness? 

Just something I have been thinking about. Trying to move and move on in life. Figuring out the next steps. Facing fear and continuing on in spite of or because of it. Each day is a gift; and to waste it being afraid or in regret or in anger “sucks” as my friend said to me today lol. 

I may not be fearless, but I can see fear and face it. I will learn and grow and flourish. I will hope for the best in all situations and accept the worst. I will not let it keep me from realizing my dreams. Life is for living fully!


Orientation …. over … huzzah?

So weird  … just  read my post from 2 years ago and here I am … volunteer coordinator for hospice giving orientation myself to the new volunteers…. getting ready to take a trip to San Diego. Life is strange . 

my heart hurts … July 6th my father passed away peacefully in the morning at his home. So grateful for hospice and all they’ve done … God only knows what we will need … who knew when I started volunteering 2 years ago .. I would be here on this side …  just hurts…

half and half…


First day of spring…  Vernal equinox..  Half day half night.  I was thinking around this time last year I was struggling with thoughts of who I was and who I knew I was supposed to be.  And was down to the wire on signing up for a 5k…  It was that life changing moment..  That one that started this past year of my 180 degree turning point.  I don’t regret it at all.  The only thing I regret is taking so long.  But better late than never.  🙂  so now for this year I need to make new goals…  And I still need to sign up for a 5k.

But this year I’ve made so many friends and met so many interesting people.  They share their life stories with me in such profound openness that it overwhelms me that they feel so comfortable with me.  Or maybe it’s that they’re so comfortable with being themselves.  Whatever it is,  I feel blessed. 

I feel halfway to my goals…  Still need to travel overseas…  And see about my master’s degree and possibly moving.  And my goodness….. I need to read more…  And work on learning a new language or at least refreshing my French and then learn to play that damn guitar that is sitting over by  my piano that I don’t play because of crazy neighbors who call the cops…  ok ok I’m going off on a tangent.  Lol

But I’m halfway there I feel on these goals I set for myself.  And as I check them off I feel the confidence I used to have come back. 

Looking forward to a year from now and who I will be then and what else has been checked off my list. 

Here’s to halves!!!  Cheers!!!

11:11, blue doors, woody adventures, familiarity friendships

Yes I went for a weird,  elusive title.  To me it makes perfect sense.  Is it a writer’s responsibility to reveal all the inner workings of a murky nonsensical thought to the reader?  I don’t know if there are rules on such things…  At the end of the day this blog is for me and my online journal.  (almost said diary….  My inner teenage girl trying  to get out)
At this point at night,  I don’t really have a particular thought I want to get out just that I want to document this time in my life and even the random thoughts mean something in this process.
My mind is a mess of randomness.  But I don’t mind.  I’m going to enjoy these moments.  No matter how messed up everything is…  Or how annoying my neighbor’s  music is right now. 
Hold onto every moment.  Pull from it what you need. Let go of the things you normally hold onto.  Learn to be the best version of yourself every day. 
Change is growth.    I don’t want to fear it or avoid it. 
Greatness can happen in any moment.  And it is always relative to whatever you compare it to.  Seeing the bigness in  the smallest moments. 
Learning to not hold onto things in my heart and dwell on them.  That is my homework for tonight…  Looking forward to releasing them. 

What do you need to release that you’re holding onto?

swim with at least one nostril above water…

I think it went something like that.  I don’t want to hash out the ugly details of what is going on right now.  I want this to be a positive place.  But right now I feel a lot of things that I left behind lurking around in the shadows.  Things that I thought were done and this new venture were far away from.  And yet there they are. 
Is there any way to ever get away from those things?  When you finally get one nostril above water….  Why is there always something ready to drag you back down? 

It gets tiring fighting those shadowy things.

Fortune cookie time: Deep faith eliminates fear 🙂


Recap of week…

Tuesday interview…  Two in one day.  Wednesday reviews of references,  talks to HR.  HR issues…  Job description and pay different than originally thought…  Thursday calls with supervisors and HR…  HR called again and offer made.  Still confused…  Friday come into office to talk to supervisor,  without person who is leaving present…  Feeling a  lot better about job and the responsibilities….  Accepted offer…  Monday will go in for all physical etc and all that fun new work thing..  Then Tuesday I officially start my new chapter of my new career.
Wow….  Did  not think in 8 months when I started this I would be running 4 5k’s,  have a life changing epiphany of what I wanted to do career wise… And before the year even ends,  I already have a job in that field.
Mysterious ways….  Mysterious ways…

(Disclaimer: This post might seemed disjointed and short and not very involved in its description but this week has been crazy and I just wanted to document how fast and strange it’s been before I forget. )

blog, blog, blog…

I should be documenting like this so I don’t forget what’s been happening.
Well with all the lay offs and people leaving,  there are two positions that have opened up.  At first they were going to be two coordinator jobs which would entail more responsibility and I don’t feel confident in my experience enough yet to feel that I could do it to the best of my ability.  But that all changed.  My supervisor made mention to me again about a position and if I was sure that I wasn’t interested.  During this whole time I had been reconsidering and thought well if she brought it up again,  I would talk with her about it all.
Originally I just wanted a part time job so I could go back to school and still volunteer.  But opportunity knocks in interesting ways.  So here I am a week later officially applying for a job.  It’s been an interesting turn of events.  I had met someone who works in HR  who had been helping me update my resume during all this time.  The timing was perfect.  So over the holiday,  where I  should have just been relaxing,  I had this weighing on me. 
I will write more later because now I need to go and get tested and fingerprinted so that I can see patients….  which freaks me out because of how emotionally invested I get and all that has happened in the past.  But life is a challenge that I’ve got to accept and with each new one I’m trying to open up my heart and mind and just welcome them.  I can learn and grow and maybe just maybe find in myself something I didn’t realize I had. 

Life, lemons, and loss…

I really don’t know how all this transpired. When I started volunteering at the hospice just a few short months ago, there were three people there that were there to be in charge of the volunteers. I don’t know if many people know this but 5% of patient care hours have to be done by volunteers. It’s mandated. And the hospital that I’m volunteering at is fairly large. The larger a company/business/etc is … I feel the more disconnect there is between those that are higher up and those that are lower on the totem pole. The issue with this is the corporate/business mind looks at the bottom line, whereas hospice looks at the people.

These are people who are facing their last goodbyes, last breaths, last dreams, last chances to breathe life in and savour all those moments that are in it.

Three people were in charge of us all when I started. One left to go somewhere else, but they never replaced her. So then two people were doing the work of three. There are over 100 volunteers and not only that all the patients that the volunteers help. The coordinators are the bridge between those two worlds. It was already being felt… the loss of one person.

And then just this last week over a hundred people were let go. And another one out of our hospice. So now the work of three people is down to only one. And she realized that with her health the way that it is (she is a transplant recipient of 20 years), there was no way she could continue. And with that she gave her 30 day notice.

And now, I am in this really confusing place. What was supposed to be an amazing opportunity has somehow turned into a place of sadness and people feeling very lost as to what is going to happen. Most of the volunteers don’t know about her leaving. She only told me because she was hoping I could be hired in the interim until they find a replacement for her. But it seems unlikely that will happen considering I lack experience and also with the downsizing.

I’m doing my best to fill in the gaps and to soak up as much experience as I can. It’s really unfortunate that all this happened. And I’m not quite sure what journey I will be going on next. But I will just continue on because I am sure that I am supposed to be there and that I may not see it now, but all of it will work itself out for the good.

I’m saddened for the volunteers who believe in the cause of this whole program and who will undoubtedly be affected by all of this. I’m saddened for the patients who have come to rely upon this program and what it does for their lives as well as the lives of their families and loved ones.

I’m not sure people really understand what the heart of hospice means unless they’ve experienced it themselves. Why does empathy only seem to come these days from those who have gone through something similar? Isn’t the idea of empathy that regardless if you’ve faced the same trial or not, you’re able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes or at the very least recognize the feelings of others?

We shouldn’t have to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes in order to see one another’s humanity. We are all broken, hurt, messed up people. We have all experienced some sort of pain or loss or love or something that makes us human.

I’m not sure how to finish this except to say, here’s to HOPE…..