where does a month go…

I looked at my last post date and it was a month ago. How does a month go by so quickly? What work have I really gotten done? I had another month added on to my leave and yet I’m still here in this emotional wonderland. 

Why wonderland? If you look at Alice in Wonderland, she is in a crazy mixed up world. A world that doesn’t quite make sense. A world in which she needs to discover herself, and how to “escape” or “get back home.”  It’s a place full of twists and turns and confusion.  She’s not sure who she can trust or what she should do. She tries everything. Follows someone who seems to know their way.  Listens to someone who seems wise. Tries to make friends and adapt. 

It just came into my mind that this time has been that for me. These past three years have been a time of growth and change, adapting to a new environment, confusion,  wondering where I am, who I am and what my purpose is. I feel like I will always have times in my life where I’m questioning these things.  Next really is to figure out what I need to do get to my next path. 

As the caterpillar asked, “who are you?”

Side note: started preparing for next trip.  🙂

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words of encouragement…

My manager/friend/mentor said to me, every job turn down is one step closer to the right job 🙂 

Take the month just to focus on self-care and filling my cup. 

You cannot pour from an empty cup. 

fearless…

What does it mean when someone is fearless? Without fear. That doesn’t take courage, because that exists only when there is fear and we face it anyway. It takes moral and mental strength to be courageous.

Fearlessness is audacious. Although they almost use fearless and courageous synonymously, they really aren’t the same. 

One is by definition facing fear and doing it anyway and the other is to have a lack of fear. Which one requires more conviction? Which one would you admire in someone? 

It would be amazing to have no fear but would it really require much mental thought and growth? Would there be a wisdom that comes with it? Would there be a certain arrogance and immaturity that goes along with fearlessness? 

Just something I have been thinking about. Trying to move and move on in life. Figuring out the next steps. Facing fear and continuing on in spite of or because of it. Each day is a gift; and to waste it being afraid or in regret or in anger “sucks” as my friend said to me today lol. 

I may not be fearless, but I can see fear and face it. I will learn and grow and flourish. I will hope for the best in all situations and accept the worst. I will not let it keep me from realizing my dreams. Life is for living fully!

year…

It’s coming up on one year since my dad passed away. Even if I don’t want to think about him being gone, it looms  around me. I can’t describe it, it’s as if your body knows.  It grieves with or without your permission. You may play, laugh,  enjoy food and times with friends and family. But this unsaid thing wraps itself around you.

I miss my dad so much it hurts to breathe sometimes.  I really haven’t grieved his loss much because I’ve been trying to push through everything.  Working in hospice is difficult enough, but everything else that has gone on there has made it even more tiring.

I look at others who have lost a parent,  had children , worked full time in hospice and still completed their masters.  I’m amazed how they were able to do it. I’m impressed by them.

I’m still trying to figure out my next steps. It’s taking everything to focus on this one class I’m taking. I keep thinking about my dad and how he kept taking classes. He kept his engineering license. It was important to him. Even if it was hard to walk into  class. He wouldn’t take his cane with him, probably because of pride. I hope he would be proud of me. He was a wonderful man, my best friend, a great example.  I miss you dad.

edumycation…

So after getting back from my Europe trip, I signed up for a grant writing class on the 4th of June. Because the best thing to do after a vacation is signing up for a class. 

It may not be towards a Master’s Degree quite yet, but it’s definitely a step in the right direction. 

beyond boundaries…

This has come up twice this week and I’m not sure why. Seems like I created a boundary for myself somehow and I need to break through it.

Strange when the universe speaks to us, like seeing the answer on Jeopardy but not knowing the question. I’m sure that will come as well.

2 years ago I started on this site, didn’t realize it was my anniversary either.

My dad is in hospice… life is strange.

Looking for the question so I know why I have my answer.

half and half…

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First day of spring…  Vernal equinox..  Half day half night.  I was thinking around this time last year I was struggling with thoughts of who I was and who I knew I was supposed to be.  And was down to the wire on signing up for a 5k…  It was that life changing moment..  That one that started this past year of my 180 degree turning point.  I don’t regret it at all.  The only thing I regret is taking so long.  But better late than never.  🙂  so now for this year I need to make new goals…  And I still need to sign up for a 5k.

But this year I’ve made so many friends and met so many interesting people.  They share their life stories with me in such profound openness that it overwhelms me that they feel so comfortable with me.  Or maybe it’s that they’re so comfortable with being themselves.  Whatever it is,  I feel blessed. 

I feel halfway to my goals…  Still need to travel overseas…  And see about my master’s degree and possibly moving.  And my goodness….. I need to read more…  And work on learning a new language or at least refreshing my French and then learn to play that damn guitar that is sitting over by  my piano that I don’t play because of crazy neighbors who call the cops…  ok ok I’m going off on a tangent.  Lol

But I’m halfway there I feel on these goals I set for myself.  And as I check them off I feel the confidence I used to have come back. 

Looking forward to a year from now and who I will be then and what else has been checked off my list. 

Here’s to halves!!!  Cheers!!!