glass slipper love…

I think most people when they hear this phrase would think, oh this is the perfect fit relationship. But when I thought of it, it was watching others and myself going through relationships that didn’t fit.

Most people in the story of Cinderella think of her and how the shoe fit perfectly. But what I think about is the ugly stepsisters. In the original telling of the story, the stepsisters did everything they could including cutting parts of their feet off in order to fit the shoe. I feel sometimes we do this in relationships in order to make them fit. We don’t care that the person may not be right for us or us for them. We will do everything we can in order to fit, including cutting off valuable parts of ourselves in order to make it work.

Shouldn’t our relationships help us to be the best versions of ourselves we can be? To help us to grow, to evolve, to be better than we were before? Shouldn’t we be allowing each other to be themselves entirely? Why do we shove ourselves into ill fitting relationships just in order to not be alone ?

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breathing in a kiss…

You ever kiss someone and just take a deep breath and sigh? It’s as though all the weight of the world has been lifted through that kiss. The rest of the relationship is hard. Why can’t we focus on those deep breath kisses and truly enjoy them?

Why do we make our lives and relationships so difficult? Love should be our soft place to land, our respite from the every day hum drum life. But too often, we cause that place to be added stress. We over complicate it by making sure we protect ourselves rather than just giving it freely.

There’s a balance somewhere between being a doormat and being a closed door with love. We need to be the threshold that allows those we love to cross through easily. Not walked on but open.

I have yet to figure out this subtle balance. How to love, be in love and receive love. Is there a book with that title? If so, I need to read it.

One step at a time through heartbreak. Learning about myself as I go. Remembering that kiss that breathed new life into me.

where does a month go…

I looked at my last post date and it was a month ago. How does a month go by so quickly? What work have I really gotten done? I had another month added on to my leave and yet I’m still here in this emotional wonderland. 

Why wonderland? If you look at Alice in Wonderland, she is in a crazy mixed up world. A world that doesn’t quite make sense. A world in which she needs to discover herself, and how to “escape” or “get back home.”  It’s a place full of twists and turns and confusion.  She’s not sure who she can trust or what she should do. She tries everything. Follows someone who seems to know their way.  Listens to someone who seems wise. Tries to make friends and adapt. 

It just came into my mind that this time has been that for me. These past three years have been a time of growth and change, adapting to a new environment, confusion,  wondering where I am, who I am and what my purpose is. I feel like I will always have times in my life where I’m questioning these things.  Next really is to figure out what I need to do get to my next path. 

As the caterpillar asked, “who are you?”

Side note: started preparing for next trip.  🙂

the diagnosis…

Was diagnosed with arthritis yesterday … young for it, was what the doctors said… No cure… only pain management… the brain started reacting in the best way it knew how by deafening the words and a gentle ringing in my ears. What does this mean? 

I can’t run anymore … the thing that I overcame…. this hurdle in my life and now the thing I miss … I can’t do it. 

Well f*** it… I just have to go from here.  That’s all I can do. 

My dad was diagnosed early and almost the same situation. Getting off a plane…excruciating pain … thought he had broken his knee.  I got tested last year when it initially happened. Came back negative…. took a year later for me to finally have an MRI.  Then the doctor saw me this week … it’s all happening within a month and a half. Doctors appts.. surgeries… mri.. piercings .. can’t forget those.. side shave that I always wanted… counseling… I  will not give up or give in. Maybe somehow I can conquer this or do something with it. But it still sucks… all I can do is laugh, cry, swear,  shake my head and breathe on. 

relationship post…

I was scrolling through my feed and read this beautiful post what a relationship is after butterflies. Relationships are  chemical reactions that go away in the first 3 years.  People keep looking for fireworks and butterflies. But when you think about the people you truly love, family,  friends, etc… You don’t expect those fireworks feelings. So why do we expect them out of a lifelong companion. Love is ever evolving. It grows up, like a child. And like a child you love … You may have loved them differently as a new born, but as they age, you grow to respect them, enjoy their company and friendship. The relationship evolves and changes.  We grow (hopefully)  and our capacity and ability should grow and change. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. 
http://didyouknowfacts.com/someone-perfectly-summed-happens-butterflies-go-away-relationship/?utm_content=inf_10_3493_2&utm_source=TSE&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=TSECPC&tse_id=INF_d55bf730969f11e7aba2ffcf7683ccd7

fearless…

What does it mean when someone is fearless? Without fear. That doesn’t take courage, because that exists only when there is fear and we face it anyway. It takes moral and mental strength to be courageous.

Fearlessness is audacious. Although they almost use fearless and courageous synonymously, they really aren’t the same. 

One is by definition facing fear and doing it anyway and the other is to have a lack of fear. Which one requires more conviction? Which one would you admire in someone? 

It would be amazing to have no fear but would it really require much mental thought and growth? Would there be a wisdom that comes with it? Would there be a certain arrogance and immaturity that goes along with fearlessness? 

Just something I have been thinking about. Trying to move and move on in life. Figuring out the next steps. Facing fear and continuing on in spite of or because of it. Each day is a gift; and to waste it being afraid or in regret or in anger “sucks” as my friend said to me today lol. 

I may not be fearless, but I can see fear and face it. I will learn and grow and flourish. I will hope for the best in all situations and accept the worst. I will not let it keep me from realizing my dreams. Life is for living fully!

edumycation…

So after getting back from my Europe trip, I signed up for a grant writing class on the 4th of June. Because the best thing to do after a vacation is signing up for a class. 

It may not be towards a Master’s Degree quite yet, but it’s definitely a step in the right direction. 

beyond boundaries…

This has come up twice this week and I’m not sure why. Seems like I created a boundary for myself somehow and I need to break through it.

Strange when the universe speaks to us, like seeing the answer on Jeopardy but not knowing the question. I’m sure that will come as well.

2 years ago I started on this site, didn’t realize it was my anniversary either.

My dad is in hospice… life is strange.

Looking for the question so I know why I have my answer.

negative space…

20150803_113616I’m leaving some space today.  I have constantly filled my time lately.  And just decided to leave a gap.  To take a break,  a breath,  just sigh for a moment.
To enjoy the peace and quiet.

Why do we constantly fill our days with noise?  Are we afraid of what our minds will say when they’re free to fill that space? Do we hate the quiet?  Are we afraid of what thoughts will arise?
While I was an art major, we talked of negative space almost as much as positive space. Negative space is the space between. It is that pause in music before it builds to the powerful chorus or crescendo. That moment in a play or musical where it gives time to let things sink in to the audience. Fill the space with thought. To let the weight of the words that were just said, hang in the air.

To pause, to think, to ponder, to rest.

In art, they talk of the way the eye moves across and through a piece. Negative space allows the viewer’s eye to rest. It gives shape and meaning to things going on in the forefront. It gives borders and boundaries. It’s not nothing. It’s as important as the positive space. And ironically, although called negative, it’s not negative at all. It’s necessary. It’s what allows us to appreciate what’s going on in the composition, in the piece of artwork itself.
All I know is that today was not long enough and tomorrow will be back to the grind,  but for today……     Taking a deep breath……  Letting my mind rest in the pauses and breaks before life comes back to a full crescendo.