Too much thought and the dreaded compliment

I’m struggling with a few things right now. One of which is caring too much what others think of me. I find my best decisions are made when I’m not worried about the outcome of what others opinions are. But it feels like a cyclical thing. You write, blog, photograph, create whatever it may be purely for yourself. Your own joy, release of pain, excitement of newfound talent or drive.

And then you get the dreaded compliment…
That first one makes you feel good, a boost in confidence.  The desire to continue pursuing this journey you embarked upon. You feel inspired, humbled, excited that someone recognized you, saw something in you and what you were trying to do. It could have even been a simple like, not even a whole written compliment. Not a full verbal decree that you are awesome. Just a little pat on the back. But still it was enough to put a smile on your face.

And then the more you continued on your path the more you noticed those onlookers, those sideline cheerleaders, pushing you onward toward your goal of being on an incredible journey called life. You started to watch for them, not paying attention to the path as much. Not looking where your feet were going and not taking in the experiences all around you.
You no longer were as excited as you once were for the simple moments in life. You weren’t as attuned to the small voice that is in your heart guiding you. You were seeking the affirmations of others.  And that light that people were drawn to isn’t shining as brightly as before because it’s slowly dimming as your confidence wanes.

It’s a catch 22 of sorts. On the one hand, you share because you want the comradery, the companionship of other like minded people, or at the very least just to feel recognized. Or maybe that’s not you, you just put yourself out there into the great abyss for the hell of it. Just put yourself out into the public eye for some reason that only remains a secret known only to yourself. Speculation and conjecture gets me into trouble all the time.

Back to my point, 🙂 there is some point where I start to focus on the sidelines and take my sight off the goal lines. I may never reach my ultimate goal, it may change constantly, but I didn’t start this journey for the accolades of others. It was the precise reason that this journey began in the first place, not living my life based upon what others thought of me. Sure, of course I want to connect with others who are also on their paths in life, and if there is some intersecting of our paths and new friendships and connections forged, I gladly welcome it. But the thing that sparked my passions in my heart weren’t looking towards what others thought of me. It was finally turning off that desire and looking inward to what I thought of myself.

I want to go to bed with a peace that knowing my day was lived with passion. I want to wake up looking forward to whatever life has in store. I want to be excited at every new twist and turn. And sure I may get weary, overwhelmed, dismayed, frustrated, stressed,  but I want to welcome all of it.

Live every day as if it were my last, every moment to be sipped and savored,  longing for the next experience. 

Compliment, critique, connect, feel free to share of yourselves …. whoever you are. I look forward to it, I just will keep reminding myself of my path and to open my eyes and heart to whatever is on it and not forget why I started this journey in the first place.

And I will try to get around to sharing my thoughts on my orientation last week. Death is really life changing, life affirming, mind-altering.  I just have no idea how to begin writing it all down.

Back to to the land of the living… 🙂

“Life has many ways…”

“Life has many ways of testing a person’s will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen all at once.”

Paulo Coelho, The Winner Stands Alone

Lost and Found Landscapes

These are a couple more images that were on my damaged micro sd card. It makes me miss getting out and taking photos.  It’s been crazy the past couple weeks and it doesn’t look like it’s going to slow down at all. Well I guess I asked for 180 degree life changes 🙂
As C.S. Lewis would say, “Onward and upward…” (too bad there is no Narnia awaiting)

Although, in double checking the quote I found another source for it.  “A sacred burden is this life ye bear: Look on it, lift it, bear it solemnly, Stand up and walk beneath it steadfastly. Fail not for sorrow, falter not for sin, But onward, upward, till the goal ye win.” Frances Anne Kemble

 

Wow so appropriate….. Waiting for it to sink in and also feeling a bit humbled.

 

“Silence is loud…” Nothing Is Innocent Now ~ Over the Rhine

I am realizing that right about now I should have already written about my orientation experience from last Friday. At this point it feels more like I’m avoiding it which is frustrating to me. I think it’s because it was so powerful, that I want to be able to write it down in a way that I fully remember everything. But in waiting,  I’m not doing anything which is even more frustrating.

So I shall put this is as a place holder until I can finally come to grips with what I want to write. Honestly, if I could somehow magically translate everything that was said into one poetic thought….. Ok brain, do your stuff. And go..

Nope nada. Really I know it’s in there just dying to be written down. Maybe I should try the old fashioned pen and paper.

 

Card for July

Who wants to read about dying?… Anyone??

I know I don’t…

This is something I have been avoiding reading about this week but seeing as I have to have it done by tomorrow …. (It’s part of my volunteering orientation homework)

I don’t know how much I will write about all of this. It’s not that I think I am afraid to die. It is the losing people from my life. The more that I have to face it and see it, the more the weight of it is realized.

Don’t get me wrong, I have lost loved ones and friends before. But this is a different experience altogether. This is describing it in detail. This is knowing that this person you are going to connect with and comfort is staring at the real face of death. Their journey in this life is coming to an end.

I don’t know who I will become through this experience, but I’m hoping it will be a wiser, stronger, more sensitive, better listener, more empathetic being.

That was something else we talked about… we are human BEings. We are so used to doing something, that sometimes the best thing to do for a patient is just BE with them. Experience, absorb, listen…

Well, no more procrastination…

I Want to Fall in Love with a Reader

So true 🙂

The Fickle Heartbeat

A beautiful feature post by Single Strides.

”

I want to fall in love with someone at a bookstore. I want to marry someone’s love for words with my own. To find someone who understands the countless worlds you can travel to in literature. To meet someone who feels the need to touch every book on the shelf, because each has a vigorous influence drawing them in. Someone who believes in the deep nous of wakefulness you sense when you graze a hard cover spine. Someone who innately holds their breath when they open to the first, vulnerable page… As they know full well the possibility the words have to change their lives. Someone who shares in the delight of the sound pages make when they turn. Someone who can melt into the journey when they lift the cover and hear it creak. I want to fall in love with…

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“To each there comes in their lifetime a special moment…” ~ Winston Churchill

“To each there comes in their lifetime a special moment when they are figuratively tapped on the shoulder and offered the chance to do a very special thing, unique to them and fitted to their talents. What a tragedy if that moment finds them unprepared or unqualified for that which could have been their finest hour.”
― Winston Churchill

 

I had posted this on another site awhile ago. Not really knowing that all these things were going to be happening in such quick succession. My life was in essence waiting on the runway ready to take off, I just wasn’t sure how to get to that point. I don’t know that I’m qualified or prepared but I will take whatever comes my way.

 

Life is for the living 😉

 

“Warning To Children” ~ Robert Graves

Warning To Children 

Children, if you dare to think
Of the greatness, rareness, muchness
Fewness of this precious only
Endless world in which you say
You live, you think of things like this:
Blocks of slate enclosing dappled
Red and green, enclosing tawny
Yellow nets, enclosing white
And black acres of dominoes,
Where a neat brown paper parcel
Tempts you to untie the string.
In the parcel a small island,
On the island a large tree,
On the tree a husky fruit.
Strip the husk and pare the rind off:
In the kernel you will see
Blocks of slate enclosed by dappled
Red and green, enclosed by tawny
Yellow nets, enclosed by white
And black acres of dominoes,
Where the same brown paper parcel –
Children, leave the string alone!
For who dares undo the parcel
Finds himself at once inside it,
On the island, in the fruit,
Blocks of slate about his head,
Finds himself enclosed by dappled
Green and red, enclosed by yellow
Tawny nets, enclosed by black
And white acres of dominoes,
With the same brown paper parcel
Still untied upon his knee.
And, if he then should dare to think
Of the fewness, muchness, rareness,
Greatness of this endless only
Precious world in which he says
he lives – he then unties the string.

Robert Graves

 

This is one of my favorite poems to this day. I’m not even sure exactly what it is about it. Just the flow, the message, the visuals. But I’m glad it came to my mind today 🙂

Day One of Orientation Completed: Huzzah

I learned so much tonight. Stepped all over my comfort zone. It was just a really empowering day.

I’m sure I should go into detail. However, I just want to make sure I tell myself today was amazing. And that there are more days like this. And although this aspect of hospice, facing death in a very real way is difficult, the rewards are so great.

I, for right now, am just doing the office side of things, but listening to people’s experiences and why they want to help with the patients who are in this last stage of life makes me think I might try going and visiting patients.

Also, met some great people from all walks of life and from different parts of the world. It’s amazing how you can find things in common and strike up conversation with strangers. And then after awhile they aren’t strangers anymore.

I’m so excited to be getting closer to who I was and who I want to be and on the next phase of my life. Just trying to soak it all in.

Dwell in the moments. 🙂