the diagnosis…

Was diagnosed with arthritis yesterday … young for it, was what the doctors said… No cure… only pain management… the brain started reacting in the best way it knew how by deafening the words and a gentle ringing in my ears. What does this mean? 

I can’t run anymore … the thing that I overcame…. this hurdle in my life and now the thing I miss … I can’t do it. 

Well f*** it… I just have to go from here.  That’s all I can do. 

My dad was diagnosed early and almost the same situation. Getting off a plane…excruciating pain … thought he had broken his knee.  I got tested last year when it initially happened. Came back negative…. took a year later for me to finally have an MRI.  Then the doctor saw me this week … it’s all happening within a month and a half. Doctors appts.. surgeries… mri.. piercings .. can’t forget those.. side shave that I always wanted… counseling… I  will not give up or give in. Maybe somehow I can conquer this or do something with it. But it still sucks… all I can do is laugh, cry, swear,  shake my head and breathe on. 

5k a year ago today…

Cannot believe it was one year ago that I ran my first 5k..  How fast does a year go?  And yet seem like an eternity ago.  Other things on my mind right now…  Just needed to remind myself of where I was this time last year. 

running song for this year…

My Type – Saint Motel (lyrics): https://youtu.be/XqWc2X8fSuc

Last year I had a playlist that helped me run my first 5k.  I think if it weren’t for that fun upbeat set of songs,  I wouldn’t have kept going.  This year I’m adding this one to the list.  Sometimes songs don’t have to have a deep meaning behind them to mean something deeply to you. 

half and half…

First day of spring…  Vernal equinox..  Half day half night.  I was thinking around this time last year I was struggling with thoughts of who I was and who I knew I was supposed to be.  And was down to the wire on signing up for a 5k…  It was that life changing moment..  That one that started this past year of my 180 degree turning point.  I don’t regret it at all.  The only thing I regret is taking so long.  But better late than never.  🙂  so now for this year I need to make new goals…  And I still need to sign up for a 5k.

But this year I’ve made so many friends and met so many interesting people.  They share their life stories with me in such profound openness that it overwhelms me that they feel so comfortable with me.  Or maybe it’s that they’re so comfortable with being themselves.  Whatever it is,  I feel blessed. 

I feel halfway to my goals…  Still need to travel overseas…  And see about my master’s degree and possibly moving.  And my goodness….. I need to read more…  And work on learning a new language or at least refreshing my French and then learn to play that damn guitar that is sitting over by  my piano that I don’t play because of crazy neighbors who call the cops…  ok ok I’m going off on a tangent.  Lol

But I’m halfway there I feel on these goals I set for myself.  And as I check them off I feel the confidence I used to have come back. 

Looking forward to a year from now and who I will be then and what else has been checked off my list. 

Here’s to halves!!!  Cheers!!!

This is completely how I feel today…

My friend’s daughter was running through this field, I had to take the photo. It was how my heart felt today. Running with complete abandonment and joy. The world looks so big an beautiful. She kept saying today was more than beautiful…. Indeed it was 🙂

5k after party?

Third 5k!!! And so much more!!!

I cannot believe I am doing another one. Hopefully this one doesn’t get rained out. I have been really looking forward to it. Fingers crossed. There are supposed to be thousands of people participating so it will be interesting to be a part of the masses of people. That would have freaked me out before but eh… who cares. 🙂 Life is for the living. 

And on another note, procrastination 0… myself 1.. I have already fulfilled the obligation for the cards that I was supposed to make for the hospice organization. I did it in less that 3 days. This was from drawing, watercoloring, scanning, printing, and then making the actual cards. My normal self would have waited until the last possible moment. But now I feel what do I do with myself now? lol This weekend is completely booked with things. But I still want to look at more volunteering opportunities. On the one hand it will help me out with what I want to get my master’s for but on the other it is really my heart that loves doing it. I have always been that kind of person that feels that if I can do something good with my time, I need to do it. I realize this doesn’t help in the paycheck department, but I am hoping that once I get my degree it will open doors for me to find the right job. Much of my choices in life have prepared me for this direction and I am feeling at peace about it. So I’m just going to trust my gut and keep doing what I’m doing. Running 5k’s, eating amazing beautiful food from local places that make everything from scratch and do the whole farm to table thing, enjoy life in the way that it was meant to be lived, open every door possible for awesome experiences, and finally plan a trip somewhere. Actually, there is one already in the works. Not one to use my illustrious new passport but still excited for this nonetheless. HAWAII!!!!. And no not the whole tropical paradise, lounge in hammocks Hawaii but the explore it all, canyons, waterfalls, trekking.. and then ok yes the beach and hopefully hammocks. And possibly snorkeling, I mean it is Hawaii. I want to see it all as much as possible. 

Also, talks of moving are also still in the works. It seems like when things happen, they happen like an avalanche. Both good and bad things. It’s about time for the good things, because over the past few years it has been a crapload of bad things. It does mean moving away from family, which hurts, but I realize too many times I live for other people and am afraid of letting them down. Whether or not they imply they are hurt, I still feel that intense pressure to “perform my duties” to them. It will take a lot of soul searching because of the volunteer opportunity opening up, which although no pay is in sight, there is a promise of experience I couldn’t hope to get just by going back to university. One foot in front of the other, continually moving on. (meanwhile seeing my tattoo reminds me, peace in all things. Oh yeah, I knew there was a reason why I got that 😉 )

Shalom 

When a goal isn’t a goal…

 

So I got a tattoo!!! It’s something I wanted for awhile and just couldn’t decide what I wanted and not only that but if I wanted to live with this thing forever. But I finally decided what I wanted. I had been reading a book and it stood out to me like a beacon. Shalom.. It means peace.. It’s used as a greeting but it also can mean peace in all things. A sense of completion or wholeness.

For me I have really needed this reminder. That whatever it is I am going through, to be at peace about it. To strive for peace. To enjoy the moment and whatever comes find the spark of light within it all. Although, traditionally it is normal to have whatever you tattoo on your wrist to be able to be read for those that you extend your hand to, for me I wanted it facing me. To remind myself to find my peace and also to extend peace to others.

Ran the 2nd 5k of this year and it seemed so short. But it was such a fun time with my niece and I could see her face feel that sense of accomplishment that I felt. I want her to know those feelings and not just take the easy road in life. I want her to challenge herself and see that she is capable of more than she knows. As we all are.

Looking forward to the week ahead and nursing a fresh tattoo. 🙂

 

Second 5k Coming Up..

Apparently, I have a list of them I am going to do this summer. They are going to be my new hobby. This one I am doing with my niece and we have been going out during the last couple weeks to prepare for it. She seems excited and I’m excited for her. It’s a privilege to see her personality and confidence grow. She is an awesome kid and I hope that this ignites in her that fire she needs to believe in herself and set goals for her life. As for me, this one isn’t as much of a stress… been there, done that I guess. Ah, that perspective thing rears its head. I guess I should just be posting a series of blog entries with that as the overall theme. But it really is true. That whole can’t see the forest for the trees; I have been so focused on the trees lately. I couldn’t step back and see the beauty of the forest. This whole life that we live is a gift. And as much as I want to revel in the tiny victories, I also one day want to look back over it all and say ahhhhh that’s a life well lived. Even with the pain, torture, sadness, mountains turned into molehills, surprises… everything makes this life worth living. There is a lesson in it all. Looking forward to this gorgeous, gorgeous day (seriously, how did it get to be so beautiful today??).

 

Life’s Barrage

So I had to get a new car. My car was on it’s last legs (wheels) and it was time. Bittersweet because that car was my “dream” car. And I loved it, but it just couldn’t make it anymore. Also, finished another book. Which I realize wouldn’t be a feat of any proportion to most normal people, but to me with my mind being all over the place it was really something that surprised me. I enjoyed it and didn’t want to put it down until it was finished. Which meant I was bleary eyed the next day but feeling happy I stuck with it and was absorbed in it rather than my mind flying all over the place.

Also, took a trip again to the beach alone. Which for someone who fears that sort of thing was a huge deal. It was so peaceful and I didn’t want to leave. And am thinking about going back. It was a long drive there and back (the traffic jam… parking lot on the way back didn’t help) but I feel undaunted by that. I think I’m even going to grab a small breakfast alone and read some of another book before going. These things which most people take for granted are huge hurdles for me. I really feel sometimes I have social anxiety because I get so nervous, like the feeling a lot of people get when they have stage fright or going to get a shot. Even thinking about it right now makes me feel nervous. But I can feel confidence coming in spite of it all. I really am under the belief that if there is something that is difficult for me, I want to try to overcome it. It’s scary and makes me all panic-stricken but it is worth all the trouble in the end because there is freedom. 

All these things are leading up to me traveling alone and hopefully a million more doors opening. There is a trip I’m looking into, it would be working as a volunteer, but I think it would feel that the trip was worth something and also it would be a good way to get my feet wet. These things are things most people conquer in their early 20’s, but I wasted those with other things. It’s never too late right? There is another 5k that I’m interested in coming up after my second one. LOL I’m going to make a career of doing 5k’s. But for me constantly having that goal works for me. Especially right now. The next one is in 2 and a half weeks. I can’t believe it. How does time go by so quickly? And yet so slowly at the same time? It’s that perspective thing rearing it’s ugly head again. 

Anyone up for skydiving?