where to go from here…

It’s been a long time, a pandemic, in process of divorce, job struggles, etc etc. since I’ve written anything . There’s a moment when you feel no matter what you do to make a situation better, it just won’t. Taking ownership for what you’ve done wrong in your own life is a good first step. Sometimes it’s not everyone else’s fault things aren’t going the way you’d hope. I’m in a place of reflection and looking forward. I want to stay positive and hopeful. Feeling sorry for myself is going to leave me stuck in a pattern of negative talk . Reconnecting to where I was and my thought process and motivation when I started this part of my journey seems to be the next step. What do I see for myself? What do I hope for my future? I want to get my masters, work in philanthropy, work with a great team of people in an environment that promotes growth and continue to learn and grow as a human. Getting back to the basics!

Life, lemons, and loss…

I really don’t know how all this transpired. When I started volunteering at the hospice just a few short months ago, there were three people there that were there to be in charge of the volunteers. I don’t know if many people know this but 5% of patient care hours have to be done by volunteers. It’s mandated. And the hospital that I’m volunteering at is fairly large. The larger a company/business/etc is … I feel the more disconnect there is between those that are higher up and those that are lower on the totem pole. The issue with this is the corporate/business mind looks at the bottom line, whereas hospice looks at the people.

These are people who are facing their last goodbyes, last breaths, last dreams, last chances to breathe life in and savour all those moments that are in it.

Three people were in charge of us all when I started. One left to go somewhere else, but they never replaced her. So then two people were doing the work of three. There are over 100 volunteers and not only that all the patients that the volunteers help. The coordinators are the bridge between those two worlds. It was already being felt… the loss of one person.

And then just this last week over a hundred people were let go. And another one out of our hospice. So now the work of three people is down to only one. And she realized that with her health the way that it is (she is a transplant recipient of 20 years), there was no way she could continue. And with that she gave her 30 day notice.

And now, I am in this really confusing place. What was supposed to be an amazing opportunity has somehow turned into a place of sadness and people feeling very lost as to what is going to happen. Most of the volunteers don’t know about her leaving. She only told me because she was hoping I could be hired in the interim until they find a replacement for her. But it seems unlikely that will happen considering I lack experience and also with the downsizing.

I’m doing my best to fill in the gaps and to soak up as much experience as I can. It’s really unfortunate that all this happened. And I’m not quite sure what journey I will be going on next. But I will just continue on because I am sure that I am supposed to be there and that I may not see it now, but all of it will work itself out for the good.

I’m saddened for the volunteers who believe in the cause of this whole program and who will undoubtedly be affected by all of this. I’m saddened for the patients who have come to rely upon this program and what it does for their lives as well as the lives of their families and loved ones.

I’m not sure people really understand what the heart of hospice means unless they’ve experienced it themselves. Why does empathy only seem to come these days from those who have gone through something similar? Isn’t the idea of empathy that regardless if you’ve faced the same trial or not, you’re able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes or at the very least recognize the feelings of others?

We shouldn’t have to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes in order to see one another’s humanity. We are all broken, hurt, messed up people. We have all experienced some sort of pain or loss or love or something that makes us human.

I’m not sure how to finish this except to say, here’s to HOPE…..

“Silence is loud…” Nothing Is Innocent Now ~ Over the Rhine

I am realizing that right about now I should have already written about my orientation experience from last Friday. At this point it feels more like I’m avoiding it which is frustrating to me. I think it’s because it was so powerful, that I want to be able to write it down in a way that I fully remember everything. But in waiting,  I’m not doing anything which is even more frustrating.

So I shall put this is as a place holder until I can finally come to grips with what I want to write. Honestly, if I could somehow magically translate everything that was said into one poetic thought….. Ok brain, do your stuff. And go..

Nope nada. Really I know it’s in there just dying to be written down. Maybe I should try the old fashioned pen and paper.

 

The Volunteering Process… More arduous than applying for work. Who knew?!?!

Who would have known that when I started this particular volunteer position that it would be more involved than looking for work. The other two groups I have volunteered for thus far have only required me basically “showing up.” I think even when I worked at a hospice facility I wasn’t required to go through this much preparation. I had an interview, I have had to show references (which were actually called and asked questions), I have had documents and paperwork to sign, I have been given materials to study and self-study exams to complete all before tomorrow’s orientation. When I say materials I mean pages and pages of materials. One of which is 70 pages. This is all for the safety of the patients and the volunteers and for those that work at the various facilities. I understand the reasoning for all of it. I just never imagined it. I think I still have to do fingerprinting as well as shots and I’m not quite sure what else.

But here is this benefit, the silver-lining in it all… it will all prep me for work. I really feel that this is my spring board and I’m excited and nervous. Everything is transitioning from one part of my life, from watching my friends’ daughters (which will end in a month or so due to them moving onto a new phase in their lives) to working weddings as an assistant and being around other creative people, to now volunteering and using this opportunity to glean as much as I can. I’m nervous about trying to find work, going back to school, etc etc. But I am so excited at the doors opening and the people I’m meeting that it is far outweighing all of that nervous energy. (at least for the moment)

I worked two weddings this past week, so different, the couples and guests but still that same core. A couple in love sharing their day with those that are closest (hopefully :)) to them. I have never been a huge fan of weddings in general, mostly because I think people spend way too much on one single day when all it should be about is the couple starting their journey together. I think too many times it becomes about the dress, the status, the decorations, the music and it is all over in a blink of an eye. Some of the best weddings I ever attended were just a few people, simple food, outdoors enjoying each other’s company. But I suppose that is more to my taste.

This last wedding was really sweet how the family encouraged the couple. You could tell from the best man, maid of honor speeches that this couple was really loved and that they were genuinely wished a long and happy life together.

Let’s see what else, I’m procrastinating one of the sections of my reading that I need to have done. It was getting overwhelming and the words just start swimming together. Oh right, another aspect of my volunteering I am finishing up another watercolor for more cards that I’m making. It is so great to be able to use both sides of my brain for this. I need to be able to utilize both my right brain and my left brain in whatever job I eventually have. It is something I realize about myself more and more. Which helps, because now I know what kind of jobs to look for and why.

I’m looking forward to these new adventures ahead and having a record of it all. It will keep me motivated to keep writing (which I was always great about starting but then it would wane fairly quickly).

Hmmmmm thinking of signing up for more (volunteering, 5k’s whatever) …. why not, I feel up for it 🙂 Any suggestions?

Bring it on .. Adventure is out there!!!

Third 5k!!! And so much more!!!

I cannot believe I am doing another one. Hopefully this one doesn’t get rained out. I have been really looking forward to it. Fingers crossed. There are supposed to be thousands of people participating so it will be interesting to be a part of the masses of people. That would have freaked me out before but eh… who cares. 🙂 Life is for the living. 

And on another note, procrastination 0… myself 1.. I have already fulfilled the obligation for the cards that I was supposed to make for the hospice organization. I did it in less that 3 days. This was from drawing, watercoloring, scanning, printing, and then making the actual cards. My normal self would have waited until the last possible moment. But now I feel what do I do with myself now? lol This weekend is completely booked with things. But I still want to look at more volunteering opportunities. On the one hand it will help me out with what I want to get my master’s for but on the other it is really my heart that loves doing it. I have always been that kind of person that feels that if I can do something good with my time, I need to do it. I realize this doesn’t help in the paycheck department, but I am hoping that once I get my degree it will open doors for me to find the right job. Much of my choices in life have prepared me for this direction and I am feeling at peace about it. So I’m just going to trust my gut and keep doing what I’m doing. Running 5k’s, eating amazing beautiful food from local places that make everything from scratch and do the whole farm to table thing, enjoy life in the way that it was meant to be lived, open every door possible for awesome experiences, and finally plan a trip somewhere. Actually, there is one already in the works. Not one to use my illustrious new passport but still excited for this nonetheless. HAWAII!!!!. And no not the whole tropical paradise, lounge in hammocks Hawaii but the explore it all, canyons, waterfalls, trekking.. and then ok yes the beach and hopefully hammocks. And possibly snorkeling, I mean it is Hawaii. I want to see it all as much as possible. 

Also, talks of moving are also still in the works. It seems like when things happen, they happen like an avalanche. Both good and bad things. It’s about time for the good things, because over the past few years it has been a crapload of bad things. It does mean moving away from family, which hurts, but I realize too many times I live for other people and am afraid of letting them down. Whether or not they imply they are hurt, I still feel that intense pressure to “perform my duties” to them. It will take a lot of soul searching because of the volunteer opportunity opening up, which although no pay is in sight, there is a promise of experience I couldn’t hope to get just by going back to university. One foot in front of the other, continually moving on. (meanwhile seeing my tattoo reminds me, peace in all things. Oh yeah, I knew there was a reason why I got that 😉 )

Shalom 

Why is it???

Whenever I make a goal for myself and meet it, there is that expanse of time after where it’s really difficult to be motivated. 

I did however complete two books I had started on. That is a feat in and of itself. My mind has been all over the places as of late so the fact that I could sit down and stay focused enough to read two books is amazing to me. Now for the other goal, passport. So frustrating, the paperwork is all filled out now just for the dreaded photo. The thing that will follow me around the next 10 years. lol Have to get my head around doing that. Also, have company coming in town so I’m interested to see if I will procrastinate and find excuses or if I will just go for it and do it anyway. 

In the mean time, still looking for work and volunteering opportunities. Both of which I will hope put me one step closer to my goal. 

Also, one month away from next 5k. Gotta stay motivated. Keep the goals 😉